Sure, you can spend six bucks on a pre-made card (that is only moderately funny) to give them on their special day. Or, you can DIY some funny birthday cards that are actually hilarious!
It’s up to you, but you can guess what we recommend.Read more: 100 Hilarious Quote Ideas for Funny DIY Birthday Cards
If you make a card yourself, not only does it give the card that extra-special feel, but they might actually think you came up with the quote on your own.
We’ll let them think that; no need to spoil a good thing. And you obviously need all the help you can get.
Anyways, we tallied up these funny birthday wishes, and realized we had over one hundred of them! You’re welcome to count them for yourself, but there are a lot of them, and they’re all golden. Be inspired!
Also, note that these are all pretty clean. Mostly G, a few PG. A few jokes about butts, getting drunk, mild insults, old people body humor, that sort of thing.
We like to keep it 90-95% family-friendly with nothing overly suggestive or obscene. It’s all a matter of opinion, of course, but these are generally PG or under.
So without further ado, here are 100+ hilariously funny birthday quote ideas for DIY cards.
100+ Funny Birthday Card Quotes
So, what to write in a funny birthday card? Here’s what we’ve got for you, sorted into easy-to-navigate categories:
Anyone, Anytime — Funny birthday wishes for your friends, family members, significant others, you name it. And at any stage of life, young or old.
Art Puns — With a bit of basic art skills, you can use these quotes and ideas to create a truly punny and great birthday card for their big day.
Old Age — You know, old people jokes. Making fun of getting older. Perfect for your old man or that best friend that just trekked over the hill.
Let’s Get Smashed — Self-explanatory, but I’ll explain it anyways: Funny birthday messages about celebratory beverages and the quantity thereof.
Heartwarming — By which we mean “heartwarming,” with rather heavy air quotes.
DIY Card Ideas & Supplies — Sure, you have some funny things to say in a birthday card now, but do you have something to write them on? Yeah, that’s what we thought.
Anyone, Anytime — DIY Funny Birthday Cards
Here are some guffaw-inducing birthday card quotes and best wishes for just about anyone at any season of their life.
Great for a good laugh, or potentially a sneer and a “Really?” from the recipient. If you came here wondering what to write in a funny birthday card, you’re in the right place.
1. Nothing Butt the Best
Wishing you nothing butt the best… Happy Birthday!
2. Two Tips
“I have two tips for you on your birthday. 1) Forget the past, you can’t change it. 2) Forget the present, I didn’t get you one.”
3. Scientifically Proven
It’s been scientifically proven that those who have more birthdays live longer.
4. Walk Through Fire
I’d walk through fire for you. Well, not fire, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
5. Famous People
There were a lot of famous people born on your birthday. Inside: Too bad you’re not one of them.
6. This One
What’s a birthday card without money inside? Inside: This one.
7. # Five
Four out of five people get money in their birthday cards. Inside: Happy birthday from #5!
Find it here.
Happy Birthday! Here’s to another year of successfully evading my assassins.
9. No Money
There’s Absolutely No Money in This Card
I’m just here for the cake.
11. If You Lick the Frosting
If you lick the frosting off a cupcake it becomes a muffin, and muffins are healthy.
Find it here.
12. Birthdays are Good for You
Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.
13. Mmmm K?
Yeaahhhh… I just wanted to say happy birthday, and if you can come into work that would great. Mmm K.
Related Article: 21 Awesome Employee Gifts for Your Small Business
14. Rubber Sack of My Breath
Balloons are so weird. “Happy Birthday, here’s a rubber sack of my breath!”
15. Escape from the Womb
It’s the anniversary of your daring and clever escape from the womb!
16. Get Out of the Mailbox!
I wanted to send you something (sexy, incredible, awesome, amazing, etc.) but the postman told me to get out of the mailbox.
17. Questionable Decisions
It’s your birthday! Let’s party and make questionable decisions.
18. Only Present You Need
Knowing someone as awesome as me should be the only present you need.
Happy Birthday to one of the few people I can actually tolerate on a daily basis.
20. It’s Today?!
Your birthday is today?! Inside: Falsehood. Today is the anniversary of your birthday.
21. Oldest You’ve Ever Been
Today is the oldest you’ve ever been, and the youngest you’ll ever be again.
You’re not old, just a little rusty. Happy Birthday.
23. Idiot Card
To Do List: Give birthday card to idiot ☑
24. I Really Hope…
I really hope you like this gift that you specifically told me to buy for you.
25. Entire Birthday Cake
While you were reading this card I ate your entire birthday cake.
26. Also Your Present
This is more than a birthday card. Inside: It is also your present.
You May Also Enjoy: Happy Belated Birthday- What to Do & Say When You’ve Blown It
27. Celebrate Your Existence
Let us celebrate your existence with cake. And possibly ice cream. And maybe balloons.
Have Buttloads of Fun On Your Birthday!
Art Puns — DIY Funny Birthday Cards
These funny happy birthday messages require just a bit of basic artwork. If you have decent drawing skills, use them to create your own humorous greeting card!
29. Succ Cards
(Succulents) I hope your birthday doesn’t succ.
(Watermelon slice) You’re one in a melon!
(Beer) Happy Beer-thday!
32. Little Pea
(Cute little pea) Hap-pea birthday!
33. Sherbert Day
(Ice cream cone) Go Shawty! It’s Sherbert Day!
(Cows) Herd it’s your birthday…
35. Duh. Duh. DUUUH
(Grim Reaper) See you soon!
36. On Point!
(Cactus) I hope your birthday is on point!
37. In Dog Years…
(Dog) In dog years you would be dead!
(Eggs) I hope your birthday is eggcellent.
39. Wine Years
(Wine) In wine years you are extra fine.
Related Article: 21st Birthday Gift Ideas for Making Memories
(Orange) Orange you glad it’s your birthday!
(Cheese) I got you this cheesy birthday card…
42. Another Year
Another Year Closer.
43.What is Age?
(Elephant) Age is irr-elephant.
(Coffee mug) Words cannot espresso how much you mean to me.
45. Main Squeeze
(Lemon) Happy birthday to my main squeeze!
46. Lettuce Together
(Lettuce) Lettuce celebrate your birthday!
(Carrot) You are old, but I don’t carrot all!
48. Piece of Me
(Cake with boxing gloves) You wanna piece of me?!
49. Ribbit Ribbit
(Frog) Hoppy birthday!
(Fan) Have a fan-tastic birthday!
(Tea cup) Happy birthday, best-tea!
52. Aged Cheese
(Cheese) You’re aged to perfection.
53. Pop Pop
(Popcorn) I hope your birthday is poppin’!
Because puns obviously go with practical things: 10 Practical Gifts (That People Actually Love)
Old Age — DIY Funny Birthday Cards
These are the funny happy birthday wishes you use for anyone who is getting up there in years. Or just that middle age good friend who seems a little more achy than they used to be…
Perfect for your crotchety old grandpa who happens to be the birthday boy, or for your fun aunt who is nearing retirement. Or for basically anyone over twenty-one.
If you’re looking for age-related funny things to write in a birthday card, you’ve just found a treasure trove.
55. Feel Bad
I’m not going to make any age jokes because I genuinely feel bad about how old you are.
56. Not Saying
Look, I’m not saying you are old… but if you were milk, I’d sniff you first.
I got you this card because it matches your hair.
Happy “30th” birthday! Inside: Again…
Related Article: 30th Birthday Gifts Ideas for Her, for Him, & for Fun
58. Another Lie
Happy 29th birthday! Inside: From your 110lb friend.
Related Article: 10 Best Gifts for 20 Year Olds
Your hangovers are About to get so much worse.
60. Should be Illegal
It Should be Illegal to Look This Good at 69.
Related Article: 60th Birthday Gift Ideas for Women and Men
61. Even More Lies
In this card, I’m going to share the secret to staying young. Inside: Lie about your real age.
62. Turning 40
Thanks for Turning 40 Before Me!
You May Also Enjoy: 40th Birthday Gift Ideas for Women, Men, Bff’s, & More
63. Medical Reasons
A very happy birthday to someone who is now taking drugs on their birthday for actual serious medical reasons.
Mom, Dad, brother, sister… You’re not old, you’re vintage. **wink**
Related: 50th Birthday Gifts for Dads
65. Eat Cake
The more you weigh the harder you are to kidnap. Stay safe, eat cake.
You know you’re getting old when the cake isn’t large enough to hold all the birthday candles.
You May Also Enjoy: 70th Birthday Gifts that Are Meaningful & Memorable
67. Cost of Candles
You know you’re old when the candles start costing more than the cake.
Related: 50th Birthday Wishes
68. Being Born
Congratulations on being born… a really long time ago.
You’re not old, you’re retro.
70. Dog Years
How old would you even be in dog years…like, 900?
71. Whiskey Years
In whiskey years, you just got more delicious.
72. Just a Number
Age is just a number. (In your case, a really big one.)
73. Spoiled Milk
I’m not saying you’re old – I’m just saying that if you were milk I’d smell you before I poured you on my cereal. Just to be safe-ish.
The older you get, the better you get. Unless you’re a banana.
75. Next Year
At least you aren’t as old as you will be next year.
Congrats on being one year closer to needing a handrail in the shower.
77. Officially Too Old
You’re officially too old to drop it like it’s hot. So how about you just sit down like it’s warm.
78. Kinda Old
You are getting kinda old. Inside: It’s ok, I still like you anyways.
79. New Skills
With old age comes new skills. Inside: You can now cough, laugh, sneeze, and pee yourself all at the same time!
80. Fire Hazard
Your birthday is becoming a serious fire hazard.
Smells like old people. Inside: Oh wait, that’s you… Happy Birthday!
It’s Your Birthday, Time to Let Your Hair Down…
Inside: Oh wait! Sorry, for a second I forgot you don’t have any left.
Related: 80th Birthday Gift Guide
Let’s Get Smashed — DIY Funny Birthday Cards
Here are some funny birthday sayings for your drinking buddies and BFFs.
The only thing you need to do is interchange your favorite drink, cocktail, or spirit with almost any of these to perfectly tailor the card to the recipient.
You know what rhymes with with twenty? Jagerbombs. (Or wine, whiskey, beer, etc.)
84. Extra Fine
In wine years you are an extra fine wine.
85. Rum Cake
Happy birthday! I was going to bake you a delicious rum cake, but I decided to go with a regular cake. Also, I’m really drunk.
86. Happy Drunk
Happy drunk! Let’s get birthday.
87. Best Cure
Wine is the best cure for birthdays.
At your age, you need glasses. Inside: Wine glasses.
P.S. This GREAT product will match perfectly with this card ?
89. Very Close Second
If I had to choose between you and wine, you would be a very close second.
90. Not Saying…
I’m Not Saying You’re Old But… If You Were Whiskey You Would Be Really Expensive.
91. Drink Anyways
Happy Birthday! (I was going to drink anyways)
92. Grain of Salt
Take every birthday with a grain of salt. Inside: This works much better if the salt accompanies a large margarita.
Related: 21 Margarita Gift Ideas
Heartwarming — DIY Funny Birthday Cards
Ahh, love. The love that only siblings or besties can share. If you’re looking for a “heartfelt message” or something “sentimental” and “truly meaningful,” look no further.
If you can share such tender intimacies as these with your true friend or family member, you have a relationship to treasure.
Any one of these hilarious birthday wishes would make for a perfect card for their birthday celebration.
I would pee on a jellyfish sting for you…
94. What More?
You Already Have Me. What More Could You Wish For?
Rude that you are younger than me, but okay…
96. Let’s See…
Ok let’s see how this goes. Pretend you are reading something very personal that I wrote in this card. After a few moments, laugh like I wrote something hilarious. Maybe tip back your head and laugh. You know, really sell it.
Now nod your head as though I wrote something very serious and heartwarming. Hold your hand to your heart and sigh, but don’t overdo it. Now close the card, look at me, and mouth the words, “thank you.”
97. Hardly Annoying
Happy Birthday, little brother/sister!! You’re hardly annoying at all anymore!
98. So There’s That
You’re still younger than me, so there’s that…
I think me being you Fiancée is enough of a gift.
100. You Mean so Much
Because you mean so much to me I got you this piece of paper that’s folded in half. Inside: I even signed it.
101. Greatest Sister
Happy birthday to a brother that has the world’s greatest sister! (Or mom/son, dad/daughter, sister/sister, etc.)
102. Good Genes
I’m sorry I got all the good genes. Happy Birthday, Brother! (or sister)
103. No Room
Outside: [Whatever you want… see any of the above quotes]
Inside: Aww dang! All these words fill up the card and there’s no place for me to write something personal about our friendship.
I was going to write something about that time we did the thing… Golly that was going to be so cool. Maybe I’ll write about it on the back of this card. Yeah, I’m definitely going to do that.
Flip over the card and let’s get the nostalgia started.
Back: Are you kidding me? There’s not even any space on the back of this card to write something personal?
Sheesh… Hmm. Well, now that I think about it, I probably should have bought a different card with more room to write about just how much you mean to me.
Read next: How to Give Thoughtful Gifts
DIY Card Ideas & Supplies
So you’ve found the perfect funny birthday quotes for your card, but the fact remains… you don’t actually have a card. Yet.
Check out these DIY card ideas and supplies and you’ll be well on your way to a card that’s just as good as any gift!
10 Pun Cards for Beginners
These funny pun cards are perfect, even if you’re a novice artist. You can apply the same principles to the funny birthday quotes above, too.
If you plan to be making all of your own cards in the future, then consider investing in a stockpile of blank cards and envelopes like these super affordable ones!
You can have 30 blank canvases to work with (and fill with hilarity) for the cost of a single card at the grocery store. Sounds like a win-win to us.
These acrylic paint markers will up your card making game in no time! Who knows, maybe you’ve been a Picasso all along and you just didn’t know it?
They’ll be so impressed by your Origami skills, they might forget to laugh at your funny birthday quotes!
Colored Card Stock Paper
Some colorful card stock would be a perfect start to making your one-of-a-kind creation (after you decide what to write in your funny birthday card, of course).
Choose their favorite color for an extra personal touch.
Toilet Paper Roll Card
No card stock or blank cards lying around? No worries. Make ’em a card out of a used TP roll. Genius.
And there you have it! Our compilation of over one hundred funny things to write in a birthday card was pretty stupendous, if we do say so ourselves.
Looking for some fabulous DIY gift ideas, too? We got you…
Read Next: 25 Best DIY Birthday Gifts