You can spend five bucks on a pre-made card that is moderately funny, or you can make your own DIY funny birthday card that is actually hilarious. It’s up to you, but you can guess what we recommend.
Here are 100 hilarious quote ideas for DIY funny birthday cards. If you write it yourself, not only does it give the card that extra-special feel but they might actually think you came up with the quote on your own. We’ll let them think that, no need to spoil it, as you obviously need all the help you can get.
Anyways, I didn’t really tally up these funny birthday card quotes. I have no idea if there are actually a hundred ideas below. You’re welcome to count but all I know is that there are a lot, and they’re all golden. Be inspired!
Also note that these are all pretty clean. Mostly G, a few PG. A few jokes about butts, getting drunk, mild insults, old people body humor, that sort of thing. We like to keep it 90-95% family-friendly and nothing really gross or obscene. It’s all a matter of opinion, of course, but these are generally PG or under.
100 FUNNY BIRTHDAY CARD QUOTES
Here’s what we got for you:
- Anyone, Anytime – Funny quotes for birthdays of friends, family, and significant others, at any stage of life young or old.
- Art Puns – With a bit of basic art skills, you can use these quotes and ideas to create a truly punny birthday card.
- Old Age – You know, old people jokes. Making fun of getting older.
- Let’s Get Smashed – Self-explanatory, but I’ll explain it anyways: Jokes about birthday beverages and the quantity thereof.
- Heartwarming – By which we mean “heartwarming,” with rather heavy air quotes.
Just so you know, we may collect a share of sales should you purchase anything from the links we provide.
ANYONE, ANYTIME – DIY Funny Birthday Cards
Here are some guffaw-inducing birthday card quotes for just about anyone at any season of their life.
I wish you happy birthday with all of my butt. (I’d say heart but my butt is bigger.) [example]
I have two tips for you on your birthday.
1) Forget the past, you can’t change it.
2) Forget the present, I didn’t get you one. [example]
It’s been scientifically proven that those who have more birthdays live longer. [example]
I’d walk through fire for you. Well, not fire, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair. [example]
There were a lot of famous people born on your birthday. Inside: Too bad you’re not one of them.
What’s a birthday card without money inside? Inside: This one. [example]
Four out of five people get money in their birthday cards. Inside: Happy birthday from #5! [example]
Happy Birthday! Here’s to another year of successfully evading my assassins. [example]
I’m just here for the cake. [example]
If you lick the frosting off a cupcake it becomes a muffin, and muffins are healthy. [example]
Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live. [example]
Balloons are so weird. “Happy Birthday, here’s a rubber sack of my breath!” [example]
It’s the anniversary of your daring and clever escape from the womb!
I wanted to send you something (sexy, incredible, awesome, amazing, etc) but the postman told me to get out of the mailbox.
It’s your birthday! Let’s party and make questionable decisions. [example]
Knowing someone as awesome as me should be the only present you need. [example]
Happy Birthday to one of the few people I can actually tolerate on a daily basis. [example]
Your birthday is today?!? Inside: False. Today is the anniversary of your birthday.
Today is the oldest you’ve ever been, and the youngest you’ll ever be again. [example]
To Do List: Give birthday card to idiot ☑ [example]
I really hope you like this gift that you specifically told me to buy for you. [example]
While you were reading this card I ate your entire birthday cake. [example]
This is more than a birthday card. Inside: It is also your present.
ART PUNS – DIY Funny Birthday Cards
These funny birthday card quotes require a bit of basic artwork. If you have decent drawing skills, use them to create your own humorous cards!
(Watermelon slice) You’re one in a melon! [example]
(Beer) Happy Beer-thday! [example]
(Cute little pea) Hap-pea birthday! [example]
(Ice cream cone) It’s sherberth day? In-cone-ceivable!
(Cows) Herd it’s your birthday [example]
(Grim Reaper) See you soon! [example]
(Cactus) I hope your birthday is on point!
(Dog) In dog years you would be dead! [example]
(Eggs) I hope your birthday is eggcellent. [example]
(Wine) In wine years you are extra fine. [example]
(Orange) Orange you glad it’s your birthday! [example]
(Cheese) I got you a cheesy card… [example]
(Succulents) I hope your birthday doesn’t succ [example]
(Elephant) Age is irr-elephant. [example]
(Coffee mug) Words cannot espresso how much you mean to me. [example]
(Lemon) Happy birthday to my main squeeze!
(Lettuce) Lettuce celebrate your birthday! [example]
(Carrot) You are old, but I don’t carrot all! [example]
(Cake with boxing gloves) You wanna piece of me?!?! [example]
(Frog) Hoppy birthday! [example]
(Fan) Have a fan-tastic birthday! [example]
(Tea cup) Happy birthday, best-tea! [example]
(Cheese) You’re aged to perfection. [example]
(Popcorn) I hope your birthday is poppin’! [example]
OLD AGE – DIY Funny Birthday Cards
These are the ones you use for anyone who is getting up there in years. For crotchety old grandpa, or for your fun aunt who is nearing retirement. Or for basically just about anyone over twenty-one.
I’m not going to make any age jokes because I genuinely feel bad about how old you are.
Look, I’m not saying you are old… but if you were milk, I’d sniff you first. [example]
I got you this card because it matches your hair. [example]
Happy “30th” birthday!! Inside: Again… [example]
Happy 29th birthday! Inside: From your 110 lbs friend.
Don’t think of it as getting older… think of it as getting closer to qualifying for amazing senior discounts! [example]
In this card, I’m going to share the secret to staying young. Inside: Lie about your age. [example]
You can start lying about your age now. [example]
A very happy birthday to someone who is now taking drugs on their birthday for actual serious medical reasons.
I hope your cake doesn’t give you diarrhea. [example]
You know you’re getting old when the cake is not large enough to hold all the candles.
You know you’re old when the candles start costing more than the cake.
Congratulations on being born a really long time ago. [example]
You’re not old, you’re retro.
In whiskey years, you just got more delicious. [example]
Age is just a number. (In your case, a really big one.) [example]
The older you get, the better you get. Inside: Unless you’re a banana. [example]
At least you won’t be as old as you will be next year. [example]
Congrats on being one year closer to needing a handrail in the shower. [example]
You’re officially too old to drop it like it’s hot. So how about you just sit down like it’s warm. [example]
You are getting kinda old. Inside: It’s ok, I still like you anyways. [example]
With old age comes new skills. Inside: You can now cough, laugh, sneeze, and pee yourself all at the same time! [example]
Your birthday is becoming a serious fire hazard. [example]
Smells like old people. Inside: Oh wait, that’s you… Happy Birthday! [example]
LET’S GET SMASHED – DIY Funny Birthday Cards
Here are funny birthday card quotes for your drinking buddies and BFFs. Interchange your favorite drink, cocktail, or spirit with almost any of these to perfectly tailor the card to the recipient.
You know what rhymes with with twenty? Jagerbombs. (Or wine, whiskey, beer, etc) [example]
In wine years you are extra fine. [example]
Happy birthday! I was going to bake you a delicious rum cake, but I decided to go with a regular cake. Also, I’m really drunk. [example]
Happy drunk! Let’s get birthday. [example]
Wine is the best cure for birthdays. [example]
At your age, you need glasses. Inside: Wine glasses. [example]
If I had to choose between you and wine, you would be a very close second. [example]
In whiskey years, you just got more delicious. [example]
Happy Birthday! (I was going to drink anyways) [example]
Take every birthday with a grain of salt. Inside: This works much better if the salt accompanies a large margarita.
Related: 21 Margarita Gift Ideas
HEARTWARMING – DIY Funny Birthday Cards
Ahh, love. The love that only siblings or besties can share. Very “heartwarming” and “sentimental.” Even “truly meaningful.” If you can share such tender intimacies as these with a friend or family member, you have a relationship to treasure.
If you got stung by a jellyfish, I would totally pee on you. [example]
Ok let’s see how this goes. Pretend you are reading something very personal I wrote in this card. After a few moments, laugh like I wrote something hilarious. Maybe tip back your head and laugh, you know, really sell it. Now nod your head as though I wrote something very serious and heartwarming. Hold your hand to your heart and sigh, but don’t overdo it. Now close the card, look at me, and mouth the words, “thank you.”
Happy Birthday, little brother/sister!! You’re hardly annoying at all anymore!! [example]
Because you mean so much to me I got you this piece of paper that’s folded in half. Inside: I even signed it. [example]
Happy birthday to a brother that has the world’s greatest sister! (Or mom/son, dad/daughter, sister/sister, etc) [example]
I’m sorry I got all the good genes. Happy Birthday, Brother! (Or sister) [example]
Outside: [Whatever you want… see any of the above quotes] Inside: Aww dang! All these words fill up the card and there’s no place for me to write something personal about our friendship. I was going to write something about that time we did the thing… Golly that was going to be so cool. Maybe I’ll write about it on the back of this card. Yeah, I’m definitely going to do that. Flip over the card and let’s get the nostalgia started. Back: Are you kidding me? There’s not even any space on the back of this card to write something personal? Sheesh… Hmm. Well, now that I think about it, I probably should have bought a different card with more room to write about just how much you mean to me. [example]