Funny Retirement Quotes They’ll Actually Laugh At

Retirement is no time for serious quotes, inspirational words, or wise musings… No, retirement is an occasion to laugh it up, and funny retirement quotes are where it’s at

Keep the dad jokes, groan-inducing puns and hilarity at an all time high during your friend’s retirement party celebrations. Laughter is always the best medicine, after all!

When it comes time to roast (or at the very least, lightly sear) your pal at his/her retirement party, we’ve got some great one-liners, funny retirement quotes and turns of phrases that will make them belly laugh. Read on! 

10 Funny Retirement Quotes

What do you call someone... quotes

1. What do you call a person who loves Mondays? Retired.

2. “I’m not retiring… I’m graduating!” — Junior Seau

3. “You have to put off being young until you can retire.” — Unknown

4. “Now you can do nothing without getting caught at it!” — Gene Peret

5. Retirement: when you can finally stop lying about your age and just lie around the house instead!

6. “If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there’d be a real shortage of fishing poles.” — Doug Larson

7. YOU’RE FREE… to do what your wife tells you to do.

8. Under new management. Contact spouse for details.

9. Goodbye tension, hello pension!

10. A retired husband can be his wife’s full time job. 

Related: Perfect Retirement Gifts

Funny Retirement Wishes

thoughtful retirement quotes

11. Wishing you the best, and all the time in the world to tell us about it!

12. We’ve heard the money isn’t as good in retirement, but the perks sure are!

13. Enjoy never having to set an alarm again, you lucky duck!

14. It’s like you’ve extended your weekend by five days!

15. God retired after six days. What took you so long?

16. Hoping you’re not too old to remember all the good times you’re about to have!

17. It’s a six month holiday, twice a year!

18. Smart to retire now — before management finds all those mistakes you made!

19. Enjoy those greener pastures! Or the LazyBoy. Whatever you plan to do with your life now. 

20. “There’s never enough time to do all the nothing you want.” — Bill Waterson

Related: Happy Retirement Wishes for Coworkers or Boss

Best Funny Retirement Advice

staying alive retirement quotes

21. Look at you, staying alive so long the company had to retire you. Enjoy!

22. “My retirement plan is to get thrown into a minimum security prison in Hawaii.” — Julius Sharpe

23. Retire from it all! Stress, alarm clocks, diets, schedules, pants… actually, keep the pants. 

24. Best advice I can say is, don’t pair your black high socks with sandals and shorts. 

25. Life is too short. Seems like you’re close to figuring that out. 

26. Get outta the rat race — just remember you can’t spend as much cheddar!

27. Don’t act your age, for goodness sake! That’s against official retirement rules.

28. Hope to follow in your footsteps soon, so don’t walk too fast ahead of me. 

29. We’re all gonna miss the work you pretended to do around here. 

30. Retired? You? I thought you retired years ago! 

Funny Retirement One-Liners

sweet retirement quotes

31. You can’t retire from being great.

32. “Retirement. That’s when you return home from work one day and yell, ‘Honey, I’m home FOREVER!’” — Gene Perret

33. “You can’t have the comeback if you don’t have the retirement.” — Chael Sonnen

34. “Some of the best memories are made in flip flops.” — Kellie Elmore

35. “As in all successful ventures, the key to a good retirement is good planning.” — Earl Nightingale

36. Enjoy the world’s longest coffee break.

37. Jobs are an invasion of privacy!

38. “Retire from work, but not from life!” — M.K. Soni

39. “Age is an issue of mind over matter: if you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.” — Mark Twain

40. “Work is the curse of the drinking class.” — Oscar Wilde 

Best Funny Retirement Cards

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Oh sure, you can go to the supermarket or Hallmark like everyone else when shopping for a great card for your coworker. But therein lies the problem… You might end up with the SAME card as everyone else!

So, do what I do — buy the greatest and most personal card online. They’re funnier, cleverer (is that a word?), and more unique. 

Here are some that have us rolling with laughter!

41. Retirement Cod

Related: Fishing Retirement Gifts

42. What Do You Call a Person

43. Here Lies Retirement Jumbo Card

44. Retirement Dilemmas

45. Worked Your Whole Life

46. A Wise Woman

47. Legend Has Retired Jumbo Card

48. Retiree Alarm Clock

49. A Big Happy Retirement Jumbo Card

50. Some Quitters Really Do Win

Best Retired Business Cards

What a fun idea. Just because you’re retired doesn’t mean you can’t whip out a business card at a moment’s notice for a little networking! And by networking, we of course mean finding fellow retirees who can do a little day drinking, golfing, traveling, and eating together. 

These ones really take the (retirement) cake, so to speak:

51. Retirement Cards with Gold Case

52. Beach Themed Retirement Business Card

53. Permanently Out of Office

54. Retired Don’t Bother Me

55. Kraft paper Retired Business Card

REMEMBER: once you’ve found a great card, written some heartfelt and/or witty one liners, and celebrated with the proud retiree, it’s time to think about what’s really important: Your own retirement!

Time to dream, plan, get inspired, and maybe order a few business cards of your own… It’s never too early for goals! 

Read Next: 55 Approved Messages for Your Favorite Coworker

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Melyssa Williams

Melyssa Williams has been writing since she could hold a pen (or a quill, as she was an odd little duck).

Sadly, she was born to two loving parents who fed her broccoli, taught her manners, and raised her with...

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