Maybe you’re getting revenge (a dish best served cold) to your little sister who said she’d never have kids and always gave your offspring gifts like sticky candy and that freaking annoying drum set.
Or perhaps you just want to really annoy the heck out of your BFFs.
Either way, we’ve got you covered with some of the best (hence, worst) gifts to give parents to annoy that last little bit of sanity right out of them. Give their kids any of these completely idiotic toys and you’ll be creating a whole new type of special birthday memories.
10 Most Annoying Kids Toys
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Who even started this trend? We need to know who to hate for all of eternity.
Slime is the worst gift for kids. Ever. It’s messy, it’s goopy, it gets everywhere, they leave it out on all the surfaces, and it’s just plain grody.
Just when you clean it up, they’re begging to bust it out again.
Let’s hope this trend is on its way out for good, cuz we miss you, Play-Doh.
2. Crappy Singing Toys
You know the ones. The earworms are real, y’all. Whomever receives this gift from you will hate you with the burning fires of a thousand suns, so we recommend your worst little brother once he has procreated.
Fifi the Flossing Sloth, for example, does that stupid “floss” dance, wiggles his (her?) booty, and sings three completely annoying songs.
Editor’s note: It’s been twelve years and the tune from the sit-on toddler ice cream truck still haunts me…
Ice cream truck…. do do-do do-do doo…
On your street… do do-do do-do doo…
Our only consolation is that at least it wasn’t Fifi.
3. Drum Set
Chances are little Junior will have zero musical ability but that won’t stop you from purchasing one of these babies!
The bigger the better, and include some extra drumsticks because you know Mom and Dad are going to hide the first set.
For an even more sinister gift, get an electronic pad drum set. Track with me: The parents will actually *think* this is a thoughtful gift, especially if you throw in a pair of headphones.
But little do they know that little Giancarlo will, A) never use the freaking headphones, B) play the always-so-thoughtfully-included drumbeat loops endlessly, and C) when you can actually convince him to plug in the headphones, you’ll still hear the whap-a-whap as he beats on the pads along with everything else in his room (the walls, toy bins, etc) and sings along at the top of his voice “PRINCE ALI, FABULOUS HE!!!!” on endless repeat.
Not saying we have experience with this or anything.
4. Dancing/Singing/Talking Elmo
What is it about Elmo that babies and toddlers love but grown adults want to burn in a fire?
It’s probably the voice, so these talking/singing/dancing Elmos are seriously the worst, with their screechy, high-pitched, baby-talking sing-a-long voices. Shiver.
Because what kid loved dearly by you doesn’t need their own personal megaphone?!? Teach them how much fun it is to sneak up behind their parents and loudly blast their eardrums to kingdom come with this delightful toy.
Bonus: This one not only produces 20 watts (ie, sound travels 400 yards), but also has a siren function. A siren function. That’s pure hatred to the parents of whoever you’re giving this to.
The kazoo isn’t quite as bad as the bullhorn/siren from #5, so this would be a good one to give to your sibling’s kids. You know, when you want to annoy the parents but not totally ruin your relationships.
When you want total ruination and to never again be contacted, that’s when you do the bullhorn.
Bonus: This kazoo might bring all the local stray dogs to their yards with its squeaky soprano toots.
7. Permanent Markers
You have to encourage their artistic side! This kid is a budding Picaso, a burgeoning Matisse, a flowering O’Keefe!
Okay, okay, they’re three years old and just want to scribble on the walls. Make it permanent… you never know when it could be worth something someday.
Not quite as painful as a violin, but much easier for tiny ones to grasp, the fun will never end with a shiny new clarinet.
Neither will the headaches.
It’s a little known fact (because I’m making it up) that no parent ever has purchased one of these games of Satan: only evil friends of their children. Ones who have handlebar mustaches and tie women to the railroad tracks. And you.
Do you know someone who wants to hear, “Twist it… pull it… twist it… bop it…” about four million times a day? I don’t either.
10. Board games with a gazillion tiny pieces
For my own mother, it was Hi-Ho Cherry-O. There were approximately forty-gazillion plastic cherries that she would suck up in her vacuum. Daily.
She needed counseling to heal the anxiety this game gave her, but sadly we used the money to buy a new vacuum when the plastic clogged up and broke the old one.
18 More Gifts Parents Hate
A keyboard. Ai-yi-yi with the musical instruments already!! If you really have a grudge match against the person you’re shopping for, you can’t go wrong with a keyboard. Make sure it has all those great extras: like a button to turn it into organ music, another to make their song into a dance mix, and the volume? Well, it has to go all the way up to 11.
Candy. It’s cheap so we’re not talking about a few mini bags of innocent M&Ms, nay nay. Get the biggest gift bag at the Dollar Tree and fill it up with all those delightful cavity causers! Make Halloween look like childs play.
Chewing gum. Along the same lines as a bag of candy, this one is even better because hullo gum in hair, gum in chair, gum in basically everywhere! And if you get all sugar-free varieties, you can look at the parents in wide-eyed innocence when they object. Might include a jar of peanut butter. It really does work to get it out of their hair.
A paint set. Not the child friendly, washable kind, no way! Find the brightest colors in the biggest containers and don’t forget some brushes! No paper? No problem. *insert maniacal laughter here
A violin. Does the child’s parents suffer from migraines? They do now.
Mp3s of whatever musical genre the parents hate the most. Throw in a portable music player (ooh, or even better, a karaoke machine!) so they have no excuse not to play it. Country and western? Rap? Hip-hop? Oh, it’s coming, parents. Reap the whirlwind.
Nerf guns or squirt guns. Don’t forget the bullets! Lots and lots of bullets. They’ll be finding them behind the furniture for years, if not decades.
Microphone. You can even finds one that helpfully (*snort) sing-along with Little Susie, to wonderful tunes like Let It Go from Frozen, or It’s A Small World After All.
Creepy realistic looking dolls. Nothing says playing house like little Caitlin rocking her demon-possessed dolly to sleep each night in great-grandmother’s rocking chair (preferably the one she passed away in).
Lawn Darts. Sure, they make them in plastic now and they’re totally safe. Pfft. Those are for losers! Go all out and find a vintage set on Ebay. Whoever bleeds less wins. Plus, the kids will leave them in the yard so dad can run over them with the lawn mower. Win-win.
Play-Doh. While slightly less irritating to whomever cleans their house than slime is, a good Play-Doh collection is key. Once the child leaves it out for ten minutes too long, it hardens to diamond density and will really hurt when stepped on. Go with the 36-pack, no parent can keep up with that.
Poker chips and cards. Best for preteens, because it’s never too early to start a life full of vice and gambling. Next up, womanizing and booze!
Clowns. Small children don’t yet know how terrifying they can be, so go all out. Clown pictures, clown dolls, life-sized cardboard cutouts of clowns, clown prints, clown jack-in-the-boxes…
Legos. The parents can’t argue with this kind of gift! It’s practically educational! But you don’t know true pain until you’ve stepped on one of these babies in the dark while trying to sneak a midnight snack out of the kitchen.
A sandbox. Don’t forget the sand. Bags and bags of it. You’re chuckling just thinking of it, aren’t you, you wicked thing you?
Glitter. Dude. We’re terrible, but even we know not to be that evil. Calm down and back away from the herpes of craft supplies. Must… not… click…. link………..
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