101 Best Old Age Jokes for Birthday Cards

Getting old is no joke.

**Pregnant pause…….**

Of course it is! Getting old is hilarious.

With each passing year, it’s best to share a laugh about getting older with friends and family.

For a friend or loved one who has both an upcoming birthday to celebrate and – importantly – a great sense of humor, here are over a hundred old age jokes for birthday cards.

101 Old Age Jokes for Birthday Cards

We’ll start with our best one-liner old people jokes, then move in to funny birthday wishes for BFFs.

After that, you’ll find some great, humorous quotes about getting older, followed by the very best old-age puns.

Then we’ll wrap things up with birthday jokes and special wishes for seniors that will surely make them smile.

Enjoy!!

Best Old Age One-Liners for Birthday Cards

Short and sweet one-liners to poke fun at your favorite old fart.

1. Birthdays aren’t as fun when you’re older, but fortunately you don’t have many more to go.

2. You’re so old, I heard your social security number is 3.

3. You know you’re old when the candles cost more than the cake.

4. Congratulations on being able to cough, fart, sneeze, and pee at the same time!

5. With old age comes great wisdom
… and hairs in weird places that need to be plucked.

6. Fabulosity has no age.

7. Your birthday is becoming a serious fire hazard with all those candles.

8. Isn’t it a great feeling knowing you’re so old there’s nothing left to learn the hard way?

9. I wanted to give you a funny card, but I was concerned that at your age you might pee yourself.

10. Does it feel weird being the same age as old people?

11. Things that age well: Wine. Cheese. You.

12. Don’t you wish that you were as old as the first time you thought you were old?

13. So….. how old are we pretending to be this year?

14. I’m not going to make any hilarious jokes about getting old because I genuinely feel bad about how old you are.

15. You’re not old, you’re 30 (plus shipping and handling).

16. One year closer to being back in diapers.

17. Allow me to suggest that this is the year you start lying about your age.

18. Congrats on being ancient.

19. It’s your birthday – smile while you still have teeth!

20. Happy birthday! You don’t look a day older than dirt.

Read: How to give someone a gift without being awkward

Old Age Birthday Wishes for BFFs

When your best friend celebrates a birthday, it’s always good to remind them that they’re, like, super old.

21. Don’t worry about getting older. You’re still going to do dumb stuff, only slower.

22. Happy birthday, dear friend. Now cash that social security check and let’s party like crazy!

23. You’re so old that if I told you to act your age, you’d probably drop dead.

24. Happy birthday to someone who has seen it all, done it all, and doesn’t remember a lick of it.

25. Happy birthday! Remember, be nice to your kids because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

26. Live each day as if it were your last… because at your age, it just might be.

27. It’s amazing that at our age, we still don’t need glasses. That’s because we drink straight from the bottle. Cheers on your birthday!

28. Shout out to my BFF on your birthday! (At your age, that’s the only way you can hear me.)

29. If the good die young… bestie, we just may live forever.

30. I’m not saying your old, but if you were milk I’d sniff you.

31. With age comes wisdom.
Happy birthday, genius.

32. Happy 29th birthday!
From your 110lb friend.

33. We’ll be friends ’til we’re old and senile… and then we’ll be new friends!
(plus we’ll be able make this joke every year and laugh like it’s the first time we heard it)

34. If you get stumbling-drunk for your birthday tonight, remember to wrap yourself in bubble wrap because people at your age break more easily.

35. Age gets better with wine.

36. We’re not old… we’re recycled teenagers.

37. I’m soooooooo glad we were young and crazy before there were cell phones and the internet and all that evidence.

38. You’re officially too old to drop it like it’s hot. So how about you just sit down like it’s warm.

39. We’ll never be over the hill. After all, we’ll be too darn tired to try and climb it…

40. Happy birthday from your much (much) younger friend.

Related: 200 Simple Birthday Wishes

Funny Old Age Quotes for Birthdays

Some of our favorite birthday quotes about old age.

41. Happy birthday to someone who truly deserves to be treasured. After all, fossils from your era are hard to find.

42. They say age is just a number. For you, it’s a really, really big number. Happy birthday!

43. “You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.” – Bob Hope

44. I know you don’t like attention on your birthday. I just wanted to send you a quick birthday message to cheer you up by reminding you that, thankfully, there aren’t many left.

45. How are stars like false teeth? They both come out at night!

46. Happy birthday, you old fart. I hope your birthday doesn’t stink.

47. I was going to poke fun at how old you’re getting on your birthday, but fortunately for you I was raised to respect my elders.

48. Remember, you don’t have to rewind Netflix videos when you’re done watching a movie.

49. You’re so old you get status updates on your friends from the obituary section.

50. Relax, you’re not getting old. That ship has sailed – you’ve been old for quite a while now.

51. Old age is coming to all of us. But mostly you. Happy birthday, old-timer.

52. Congrats on another year of not dying!

53. Another year closer to hearing aids, walkers, and velcro shoes!

54. Look who’s all grown up and ready for that annual colonoscopy!

55. You’re so old you walked into an antique store and they tried to sell you.

56. You know you’re old when your back goes out more than you do. I wish you the happiest of birthdays, falling asleep in your rocking chair!

57. Don’t stress about your eyesight failing as you get older. It’s nature’s way of keeping you from shock when you go by a mirror.

58. You don’t actually get smarter as you get older. There’s just less stupid stuff left to do that you haven’t already done.

59. I’m not going to make any getting old jokes to dampen this momentous occasion. After all, the fact that you’re still alive is nothing short of a miracle and deserves to be celebrated.

60. If you find your new age hard to swallow, just add some tequila. That should do the trick.

Best Old Age Puns

Old people love punny birthday cards. These getting old puns are the geezer version of birthday dad jokes.

61. If you ever own a ranch, you should call it “Pasture Prime.”

62. When you were born, the Dead Sea was only sick.

63. Do you want to know the secret to having a smoking hot body at your age? Cremation.

64. I’ve got a great tip for you in your old age. Instead of calling the bathroom “the John,” call it “the Jim.” That way you can tell people, “I go to the Jim the first thing every morning!”

65. As you get older, don’t bother eating healthy food; go for packaged junk. You’re going to need all the preservatives you can get.

66. You’ve reached the age when everything is now beginning to click. Your knees, your hips, your elbows…

67. Age is a relative thing. All your relatives keep reminding you how old you are.

68. Don’t let your age get you down. After all, at your age, it’s hard to get back up again.

69. Did you know that there’s a prize for getting older? Yep – you get atrophy.

70. You and wine are the perfect pair. Wine improves with age, and you improve with wine.

71. This whole birthday thing is getting old, don’t you think?

72. Age is a number – keep yours unlisted.

73. It’s your birthday – time to let you hair down!
Oh, wait… I forgot, you don’t have any.

74. “As you get older, three things happen: The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.” – Norman Wisdom

75. I’m not saying you’re old, but if you were whiskey you’d be expensive. Really, really expensive.

76. I didn’t get you anything for your birthday because I wasn’t sure what you wanted. At your age, it usually… Depends.

77. In wine years, you are extra fine.

78. You’ve still got everything you had 20 years ago.
It’s all just a little bit lower now.

79. You’ll still cut the mustard! You’ll just need a little help opening the jar.

80. At this age, when you roll a joint it’s probably just your ankle.

Gift ideas for someone who’s actually super old: 100th Birthday Gifts & Party Ideas for a Beloved Centenarian

Funny Birthday Wishes for Seniors

Humorous yet sweet birthday wishes for senior citizens (or those getting close to senior citizenship!).

81. They say that with old age comes wisdom. That must mean you’re the wisest person in the world!

82. I’m going to take you out to dinner for your birthday – do you think you can get us all the senior discount?!?

83. In whiskey years, you just got more delicious.

84. Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the more you have, the longer you live.

85. Getting older has some benefits… Call it a “senior moment” and you can get away with just about anything!

86. Congrats on reaching the wonder years! You wonder where your keys are, wonder what day it is, wonder where your car is parked…

87. “The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.” – Lucille Ball

88. This year, may you always get up off the couch in two tries or less.

89. At least you’re not as old as you will be next year!

90. We’re going to try and get all the candles on your cake lit before the first ones burn down. Wish us better luck than last year!

91. May you get as much praise and attention on your birthday as the average millennial feels entitled to every day.

92. A very happy birthday to someone who is now taking drugs on their birthday for actual serious medical reasons.

93. Congratulations on being born!
A really, really long time ago.

94. The older you get, the better you get.
Unless you’re a banana.

Related: The Best Gifts for 90 Year Olds

95. “How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?” – Satchel Paige

96. Happy birthday! Please accept my sincere condolences on your age.

97. I’ve heard it said that getting older is like living in a haunted house. There’s lots of noises and smells you just can’t explain.

98. For your birthday, I wanted to get you something to remind you of your youth. But they were all out of cave art and dinosaur bones, so I just got you this card. Happy birthday!

99. Happy birthday! But seriously, take it easy on the birthdays. Doctors agree that too many just might kill you.

100. “Old age is not so bad when you consider the alternative.” – Maurice Chevalier

101. You’re not old. You’re a classic.

More funny birthday quotes: 100 Hilarious Quotes for DIY Birthday Cards

Funny Ways to Call Someone Old

Some of our favorite old age insults are just silly ways to call people old.

Here are some simple yet time-honored insults, affronts, and aspersions for old folks – in other words, good-old-fashioned name calling.

Methuselah
Overripe Avacado
Vintage
Raisin
Fossil
Over the Hill
Geriatric
Skinsag
Slow Grandma (works for male or female)
Old Coot
Silver Top
OAP (“Old Age Pensioner”)
Fossilized Friend
Dinosaur Enthusiast
Living History Book
Elderly Sage
Prehistoric Pal
Museum-worthy
Ancient Mariner
Weathered Wanderer
Venerable Voyager
Rustic Relic
Wise Elder
Young at Heart

Short Birthday Jokes for Adults

Let’s close with some simple old people roasts.

You’ve been around so long, even the trees have wrinkles.
You must have been one of the first to congratulate Moses on the Ten Commandments.
So, how did they make the pyramids?
Your childhood photos are ancient cave paintings.
You’ve got more candles on your last birthday cake than there are stars in the sky.
Age is just a number, and you’re so over it.
When you were a kid, rainbows were in black and white.
You’ve got more wrinkles than a pug in a windstorm.
Back in your day, they didn’t have smartphones; they had stone tablets.
You’ve seen so many birthdays; I bet you’ve forgotten half of them.
Did you get scared when you used to hunt dinosaurs?
You’re so old, your birth certificate is written in hieroglyphics.
You’ve got more history than a history book.
If age were a sport, you’d be the reigning champion.
Will you tell me some stories about the Civil War?
You’ve got so much wisdom; it’s a shame you can’t remember where you left your glasses.
Do you remember when the wheel was invented?

Always remember to keep the tone light and ensure that the person being roasted is comfortable with these kinds of jokes.

That’s important because one of the marks of being an old person is being ~~crochety~~ sensitive.